DATE 14 -THE CHOMPING ONE
Updated: Feb 26
As two of my friends also got the same serial-killer-vibe from his profile pictures, I suggested that we meet in the centre of a busy bus station and have a public dinner in Nandos – I figured that if he did try to kidnap me I could splash him in the face with some extra-hot Peri Peri sauce and make a run for it with the humus and drizzle.
However, as I got stuck in traffic out of London, I was 45 minutes late. Thus, it was less ‘busy train station meeting’ and more ‘random closing coffee shop’ plus a walk through deserted Harrow. Not ideal. He began a relentless, one-sided conversation about himself from the minute we greeted with an awkward hug at Costa (awkward namely because I was checking out the nearest exit in case of any murderous advances on his part).
The serial killer would certainly have made for a more interesting date. I should have seen the signs though and legged it as soon as I heard him order the ‘Lemon and Herb’ coating on his chicken wrap. I mean, who in their right mind (over the age of 5) goes to Nandos for Lemon and Herb??
The food arrived and I was delighted to have something to distract me from his monotonous monologue. I was about to take my first mouthful of delicious, hot, spicy chicken thigh when I heard the most hideous, off-putting sound emanating from my date: the sound of a voice fighting its way through a mouthful of slobbering, masticating chicken.
I watched (and listened) in abject horror as bits of lemony chicken fell out of his open mouth as he scoffed his food and continued to tell me about his job.
This has to be the only time ever I have not finished my Peri salt chips.
12 December 2016